Funny

THE ARGUMENT FROM FEMALE ORGASM

orgasm-funny-quotesAre there any deep theological reasons why painful childbirth was the curse of choice for women after Eve carried out her early field experiments with the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil?

It was because the single-shot Derringer men who wrote the bible had to balance somehow the Tommy machine-gun blessing for women, if you catch my drift.   What men often compare to a sneeze women compare to a hospitalizing bout of influenza.

Since a lack of sexual climax in (some unfortunate) women is not a hinderance to reproduction, the existence of the female orgasm in general, and multiple female orgasms specifically, can only be adequately explained as the superabundant gift of a very generous Creatrix.

Quod erat demonstrandum.

 

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GLOBAL WARMING

 

Knickers2

Things blamed on global warming:

  • Eskimos forced to leave their village (I hate it when my town melts)
  • Early heat wave in Vietnam (Shit. Saigon. I’m still in Saigon.)
  • Surge in fatal shark attacks
  • Snowfall in Baghdad (oh, wait, let’s cover that one up)
  • Diminishing desert resources (yes, the CO2 is causing trees to bloom and ruin our deserts)
  • Global cooling (aha! it’s cooling, that’s PROOF it’s warming!)
  • Bigger tuna fish (Starkist Corporation demands a bailout)
  • Water shortages in Las Vegas (nothing to do with those acres of water fountains)
  • Increased threat of HIV/AIDS in developing countries (it’s so hot that buttfucking is the only thing people can think to do)
  • Collapse of gingerbread houses in Sweden (I’m thinking the ingredients weren’t to code)
  • Insomnia of children worried about global warming (nothing to do with propaganda in school)
  • Cold wave in India (it’s always coldest before it gets really hot)
  • Worse traffic in LA because immigrants moving north (is that due to global warming or Obama’s invitation to make them Americans?)
  • Fashion victim: the death of the winter wardrobe (yeah, I’m frakkin wearing a bikini under my coat right now it’s so warm)

 

CARS

AUDI – Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW – Big Money WasteGrindhouseDeathProof1

BUICK – Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer

CHEVROLET – Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

DODGE – Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT – Failure In Automotive Technology

FORD – Found On Road Dead

GMC – Generally Mediocre Cars

JEEP – Just Eats Every Part

OLDSMOBILE – Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot’s Leaking Everything

SAAB – Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA – Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VW – Virtually Worthless

THE BEMA SEAT 

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you whatbush clinton obama you have learned, what you believe in.”

God asks Bubba first: “What do you believe?”

Clinton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in listening to my conscience. As you know, Lord, there were times when I was disloyal to my wife, and at those times I could hear a small voice telling me it was wrong, but I went ahead and betrayed her anyway. After many years I learned to listen to that voice, because it always warned me against doing something I will regret later.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Bill and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Bush and says, “What do you believe?”

Dubya says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. As President, some of my decisions were not the best as anyone could well see in hindsight, but win or lose, I learned that as a leader of a great nation it is important to embrace basic principles and never waver.”

God is greatly moved by Bush’s new-found eloquence and offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Obama: “And you, Barry, what do you believe?”

Obama replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ADAM AND MOSES:

Adam: Lived in paradise,
Moses: Wandered for a generation in a desert hell.det-er-ikke-sjovt-moses

Adam: Created by God’s own hands.
Moses: Buried by God’s own hands.

Adam: Ejected from Eden by God.
Moses: Led from Egypt by God.

Adam: Made the sweet soil bitter and unyielding by eating from a tree whose real effects were hidden from Adam by God.
Moses: Made the bitter waters of Mara sweet by throwing a tree revealed by Yahweh into it.

Adam: Name means “red earth”
Moses: Led people across the “Red Sea”

Adam: First-born son committed the earliest murder, which has plagued mankind ever since.
Moses: Last plague was the murder of all Egyptian first-born sons.


 

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GOD HATES FIGS:

Figs

BORGASMS

Image

  • I AM BARNEY OF BORG: I love you. You love me. We’re a happy Borg entity.
  • I AM KHAN OF BORG: From hell’s heart I assimilate thee…!
  • I AM LEIA OF BORG. I’d rather assimilate a Wookie!
  • WE ARE PINK FLOYD OF BORG: We don’t need no assimilation. All in all, were all just Borgs in the wall.
  • I AM ANDY ROONEY OF BORG: Ever wonder why resistance is futile?
  • I AM FOGHORN OF BORG. Boy, I said, boy… prepare to be assimilated.
  • I AM POPE FRANCIS OF BORG: You are irreverent!
  • I AM ROCKNE OF BORG: Go out there and assimilate one for the Gipper!
  • I AM JAGGER OF BORG: I can’t get no assimilation.
  • I AM VADER OF BORG: You will be assimilated. The Collective has foreseen it. Resistance is futile. It is your destiny.
  • I AM FRANK SINATRA OF BORG: Your way is irrelevant. You will be assimilated my way.
  • I AM BARACK OBAMA OF BORG: If you like your current health care plan that is irrelevant!
  • I AM PORKY PIG OF BORG: Prepare to be asi..assimm…You will be abbadi abbadi you’re-Ble-Ir-El-Ir-You will be assim…assim…turned into a robot!
  • I AM DAFFY DUCK OF BORG: You – You – Yooourrrr’e Irrelevant!
  • I AM ELMER FUDD OF BORG: Wesistance is wusewess. huhuhuhuhuhuhut!
  • I AM KIRK OF BORG: Prepare…to…be…belay that mister! YOU! WILL! BE! Assimilated! Wait! This is the wrong generation!
  • I AM MR. T OF BORG: I pity da fool that resists me! You gonna be assimilated, sucka!
  • I AM MR. ROGERS OF BORG: It’s a beautiful day in the Collective. Can you say assimilate, boys and girls?
  • I AM MADONNA OF BORG: Justify my assimilation.
  • I AM BART SIMPSON OF BORG: Prepare To Eat My Shorts, Man.
  • I AM ROSS PEROT OF BORG: Resistance? Now that’s just sad.
  • I AM BILL CLINTON OF BORG: I feel your pain and it is irrelevant. Prepare to be… say, that’s a tight skirt, baby.
  • I AM MACLEOD OF THE COLLECTIVE MACLEOD: Resistance is futile! Prepare to be assimilated! There can be only one Collective!
  • I AM YOSEMITE SAM OF BORG: Resistance is rackafrackin FUTILE, pardner! Prepare to be assimilated, ya varmit! And when Ah say assimilate, Ah mean ASSIMILATE!
  • I AM AYN RAND OF BORG: Resistance is anti-mind, anti-reason, and anti-Borg.
  • I AM ROCKY OF BORG: Yo! Prepare to be, uh, you know, assimilated.
  • I AM OJ OF BORG: The bloody glove is irrelevant.
  • I AM MONTGOMERY BURNS OF BORG: Smithers, prepare to assimilate that clumsy human up there.
  • I AM C-3PO OF BORG: I am fluent in over 6 million forms of assimilation.
  • I AM SNIFFLES OF BORG: Prepare to be assimilated, what does assimilated mean, why am i wearing all this black leather, why do I have this red laser coming out of my eye, why do I hear voices in my head, well are you ready for assimilation, no one’s told me what assimilation means yet, I dont know if this stuff will fit on you, you’re alot bigger than i am, i dont think it will fit on you, so are you ready for assimilation yet?

NUMBERS OF THE BEAST

  • 0.666 –  The number of the Millibeast
  • 696969 – The Beast with two backsImage
  • $719.28: The Number of the Beast (including tax)
  • $636.95 – The Number of the Beast at Sam’s Club.
  • -0.809016994 – The sine of the Beast.
  • .0015015015 – The recriprocal of the Beast
  • .666 – The caliber of the Beast
  • .9998443741 – The cosine of the Beast
  • 0.65039 Kbytes – The memory of the Beast
  • 1, 2, 3, 3, 37 – The prime factorization of the Beast
  • 1010011010 – The binary number of the Beast
  • 11m 6s – Seconds of the Beast
  • 1232 – The octal number of the Beast
  • 2.823474229 – The logarithm of the Beast
  • 25.806975 – The square root of the Beast
  • 28A – The hexadecimal number of the Beast
  • 6.66 x 10^2 Scientific notation of the Beast.
  • 80665.8234234028235234024357 – The Pentium Processor of the Beast.
  • 999: The girlfriend of the beast.
  • DCLXVI – The Roman numeral of the beast

ADVICE FROM A WOMAN WHO CHANGES HER MIND

 

  • When in Rome do as the Romans do.  On the other hand, to thine own self be true.
  • The bigger the better. On the other hand, good things come in small packages.Image
  • Look before you leap. On the other hand, he who hesitates is lost.
  • Clothes make the man. On the other hand, never judge a book by its cover.
  • Absence makes the heart grow fonder. On the other hand, out of sight, out of mind.
  • Better safe than sorry. On the other hand, nothing ventured nothing gained
  • The more the merrier. On the other hand, two’s company three’s a crowd.
  • It’s never too late to learn. On the other hand, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
  • Has the cat got your tongue? On the other hand, don’t let the cat out of the bag.
  • Let sleeping dogs lie. On the other hand, leave no stone unturned.

 

SOUTHPAWS

Now don’t get me wrong.  Some of my best friends are lefties.  But just between you and me, I wouldn’t want my sister to marry one, if you get my drift.  And frankly, I don’t really have a problem with people who prefer to use their left hand, as long as they don’t shove their lifestyle choice in my face.2013_Jan9th_LeftHandLogo

A Southpaw is a person with the “desire or behavior of preferring the use of the left hand”. Left-handedness has a variety of effects on society at large, and they are almost universally negative.  Experienced boxers can be completely thrashed by much smaller opponents who choose to emphasize their left hand because their normal fighting instincts are confounded.   Left handed batters often send line drives out to right field, where the opposing team usually places its weakest outfielders, and this gives the “progressive” baseball team which accepts openly lefty batters an unfair advantage.

The word “sinister” is from the Latin for left, reflecting its evil connotations. It is perhaps no coincidence that the socialists of the Democratic Party refer to themselves as the Left. Even in communiust China the phrase “left path” stands for illegal or immoral means.

I’ve lost count of how many times my daughter came home from school crying because when they passed out the scissors for arts and crafts the only ones remaining were the ones designed for left handed kids and bought by the school district to promote the Southpaw agenda.

Although 13% of human beings openly choose the tragic Southpaw lifestyle, many left-handed people remain in the closet in Muslim countries due to the stigma associated with it there. Traditionally, among desert nomads, the right hand was reserved for eating, while the left hand was used exclusively to wipe bottoms

Fortunately, there is hope.  Ex-Southpaw ministries use prayer and aversion therapy to condition left-handed people away from their tragic and filthy lifestyle choice. These ministries experience a high recidivism rate,  it is true, but this persistent left-handedness can be laid at the door of the all-pervasive demonic influence in the world which came with the Fall of mankind in the Garden of Eden.  It is a difficult cross to bear, but the only permanent solution is for Southpaws to renounce their former lifestyle and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior.

Prayer to receive him now:

“Jesus, I believe You are the Son of God and the Savior of the world. Thank you for coming to Earth and dying so that I could have eternal life. Please forgive all my sins. I am going to follow You with my life now. Please fill me with Your Holy Spirit and direct my steps. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

STRESS MANAGEMENT

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.Dorme

No one but you knows your secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called “the world.”

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is crystal clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding under the water.

COW MOOOVIES:

emocow

  • Spartacows
  • Cowspotting
  • A Barn Too Far
  • The Moognificent 7
  • To Wong Moo With Love Julie Moomar
  • That Thing You Moo
  • Seven Days of the Barndoor
  • The Bridges of Moo-dison Cownty
  • Silence of the Cows
  • Apocalypse Cow
  • Calved on the 4th of July
  • Vealing Minnesota
  • Flankenstein
  • A Steer is Born
  • Steer Trek II: The Wrath of Cow-n
  • Revenge of the Herds
  • Rebel Without a Cows
  • Cowzilla
  • The Cudfather
  • Mooholland Drive
  • Cowmando
  • The Termoonator
  • Last of the Moohicans
  • It Came From Udder Space
  • Escape From Moo York
  • The Alamoo
  • Geronimoo
  • Meat Me in St. Moois
  • Cowbaret
  • The Moosic Man
  • The Sound of Moosic
  • Bull Dairym
  • Thunderbull
  • Cudthroat Island
  • The Loin King
  • Mootiny on the Bounty
  • To Sirloin With Love
  • Moosiers

URA COWGIRL IF…

1. URA cowgirl if you spend more time cleaning your horse than your house.Cowgirl-1

2. URA cowgirl if your mother suggests you need a male companion to quiet some of the rumors going around and you get a stallion.

3. URA cowgirl if your horse gets the tent and you sit out in the rain.

4. URA cowgirl if your horse is groomed better than your girlfriend.

5. URA cowgirl if your girlfriend finds hair on your coat and you have the horse to match.

6. URA cowgirl if you cluck to your car when you go up a hill.

7. URA cowgirl if your horse’s hair is in better condition than your own.

8. URA cowgirl if the most common present you receive at your bridal shower is actual bridles.

9. URA cowgirl if your house is a mess, but the barn is as neat as a pin.

10. URA cowgirl if you show up at your own wedding wearing riding clothes because you took too long at the barn.


 

Yo momma so ugly Dairy Queen don’t even treat her right
Yo Momma’s teeth so yellow, traffic slows when she grins.
Yo momma’s underwear so full of holes when she farts they whistleyo+momma_298435_4693296
Yo momma breath so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
Yo momma got so many teeth missing it looks like her tongue is in jail.
Yo momma got so much dandruff you could build a snow man.
Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
Yo momma’s house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside
Yo momma’s house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
Yo momma like a goalie; she changes her pads after three periods.
Yo momma’s lips so big Chapstick had to invent a spray.
Yo momma’s mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo momma so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!
Yo momma so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
Yo momma so fat her nickname is “DAMN”
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants in the driveway.
Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo momma so fat she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand
Yo momma so fat she was born on the 4th, 5th and 6th of March!
Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona — class Battleship
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!!
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald’s and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma so stupid she saw a “wet floor” sign and peed on the floor
Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won’t talk to her!
Yo momma so ugly it looks like she sleeps on a bed of nails, FACE DOWN!

 BEATITUDES

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

Blessed are the Peacemakers…and the Winchester lever-actions.meetthebeatitudes

Blessed are the elderly for they remember what we never knew.

Blessed are the fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.

Blessed are the pessimists for they carry extra ammo.

Blessed are the quilters for they are the piecemakers.

Blessed are the cross-eyed; for they shall see God twice.

Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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