Signs You are a Xenite Motorist
The buttons on your radio are set to:
WRGD–All Glory, All The Time,
WGAB–More ROC, More Talk
WJOX–Evansville’s MIGHTY 101
WXNA–That Spot On Your Dial For Funeral Dirges
WMEG–All 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, all the time.
Your car is named Argo and it has something to do with the super-jumbo gear shift.
When another car wizzes past you on the freeway you utter in your best Xena growl, “Where’s the fire, Hermes?!”
You tell the kids if they don’t quit asking, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” the car seats will soon be upholstered in human skin.
The first aid kit in the glove box contains a hollow reed for emergencies.
“Don’t you EVER put a door ding in MY chariot again!”
Jan and Dean did a song about you called “Little Old Lady From Potidaea.”
If pursued by highwaymen you know how to modify the carburetion to emit thick white smoke so you can cover your escape from Troy. Michigan.
You have ever used the dipstick as a rapier.
How many Xenas does it take to light a torch?
Q. How many Xenas does it take to light a torch?
A. One to spit hard liquor on it and relight the torch.
Q. How many Herculeses does it take to light a torch?
A. Two, one to sacrifice himself freeing Prometheus from his chains, and the other to light the torch.
Q. How many Gabrielles does it take to light a torch?
A. Two, one to light the torch and the other to write a scroll about it.
Q. How many Joxers does it take to light a torch?
A. Ten, one to light the torch and nine to rebuild the inn after the fire.
Q. How many Callistos does it take to light a torch?
A. One to throw fireballs at the torch.
Q. How many Aphrodites does it take to light a torch?
A. One to wear a teddy so hot the torch lights itself.
Q. How many Najaras does it take to light a torch?
A. One to give the torch three days to convert to the Light.
Q. How many Areses does it take to light a torch?
A. None, he’s already carrying a torch for Xena.
Q. How many Caesars does it take to light a torch?
A. Two, one to light the torch, the other to explain it is the torch’s destiny.
Top 10 Rejected Names for the Show “Xena: Warrior Princess”
10. Xena: Malicious Maiden
9. Xena: Battling Bimbo
8. Xena: Gory Goddess
7. Xena: Villainous Vixen
6. Xena: Barbarienne
5. Xena: Leggy Looter
4. Xena: Guerrilla Goddess
3. Xena: Mercenary Mistress
2. Xena: Badass Lass
1. Xena: Skirts and Skirmishes
Rides at Xenaland
Pirates of the Aegean
Rides of March (First aid station manned by Eli)
Bumper Chariots of War
Amazonland Spinning D-cups
Country Bard Jamboree
Lava Pit Bungee (with Joxer standee captioned “You must be *this* stupid to go on this ride.”)
Xenadu Pleasure Dome
Top Ten Sexually Suggestive Lines In Xena: Warrior Princess
9. IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
Xena: “That’s a nasty gash.”
8. DEATH IN CHAINS
Xena: “Run me through and I’m yours.”
7. CHARIOTS OF WAR
Xena: “Pull out the shaft.”
6. A DAY IN THE LIFE
Xena: “It’s gonna smell like fish for days.
5. A COMEDY OF EROS
Gabrielle: “Look! Cherries! I love cherries.”
Draco: “Me too.”
Gabrielle: “Did I mention I’m a widow?”
4. FINS, FEMMES, & GEMS
Xena: “C’mon Gabrielle, lets get wet.
3. THE DEBT 1
Xena: “That’s my piece of meat you’re reaching for.
Lao Ma: “You’re wrong. I don’t eat meat.
2. FINS, FEMMES, & GEMS
Gabrielle: “Well, listen to my story of Gabrielle. Cute little gal that’s
looking really swell. Perfect hair, such a lovely lass. Nice round breasts and
a firm young…
Xena: “Are you out of your mind?”
1. KING CON
Xena: “Either you start filling in some holes, or I start making them.”
1. Bacchae-Turner Overdrive
2. A Flock of Harpies
3. They Might Be Titans
4. Adaminus Ant
5. Crash Test Joxers
6. The Callisto Method
7. Joxy Music
8. Peter Gabrielle
9. Dahok and the Dominoes
11. Van Helen
12. Three God Night
13. Chakram Khan
14. Mott the Harpie
16. Mighty Mighty Joxtones
18. Crossbows ‘N’ Roses
19. Gabby & the Peacemakers
20. Ugly Kid Jox
Signs You Are An Amphipolis High School Spartan
1. Sister Xena teaches factorials, which she personally invented to make math look exciting.
2. Gum-chewing in class is punished by Sister Gabrielle rapping your knuckles with her staff.
3. Kids who flunk tests are punished by being made to sit in the corner with Joxer’s helmet on.
4. Giant hairy-legged Amazons stuff unpopular girls into their gym locker.
5. The student body newspaper headline reads: “SPARTANS RIB TROJANS 21-7”
6. Sister Minya warns her students not to whip each other with their arts and crafts project.
7. The requirement for passing P.E. is to climb a rope with another girl on your back.
8. Students assigned tp detention are ferried over by Charon.
9. Today’s topic in Horse Shop is high performance oats.
10. Students “worshipping Aphrodite” under the bleachers are becoming a significant problem.
WHY DID XENA CROSS THE ROAD?
1. Why did Xena cross the road? To expand the buffer zone around Amphipolis.
2. Why Gabrielle did cross the road? She was being dragged by Xena.
3. Why did Velasca cross the road? Gabrielle can’t hide from a gawwwdd!!
4. Why did Callisto cross the road? She didn’t like the look of those rocks hanging over this side.
5. Why did Hades cross the road? He’s in charge of “the other side.”
6. Why did Argo cross the road? The grass is always greener on the other side.
7. Why did Aphrodite cross the road? “Exsqueeze me? The sign said, like, bras were forty percent off, what did you expect?”
8. Why did Meg cross the road? Her pimp told her to work the other side.
9. Why did Julius Caesar cross the road? It was his destiny.
10. Why did the chicken cross the road? Enough with the Joxer jokes already.
TAKIN’ CARE OF ARGO
(Sung by Joxer the Mighty to the tune of “Takin’ Care of Business” by BTO):
I get up every morning
To Xena’s vocal warning
And take her damn horse to the city
I’m in charge of food and grooming
And it’s really got me fuming
For a warrior it’s quite beneath me
‘Cause if there’s some threat
You sure as heck can bet
That I will come and save the day
If you ever get annoyed
At me the stable boy
Take it up with Xena, okay?
I’ll be takin’ care of Argo, every day
Takin’ care of Argo, every way
Takin’ care of Argo, it gets old
Takin’ care of Argo, in every episode.
PICKUP LINES MEN HAVE TRIED ON XENA (EXACTLY ONE TIME)
1. Would you like to practice a little thrust and parry with me?
2. How about we go back to my place and build a temple to Aphrodite?
3. You’re so delicious you’re going to put ambrosia out of business.
4. What time do you have to be back on Mt. Olympus?
5. You’re what Zeus imagined when he said “Let there be woman.”
6. That leather skirt would look great on my bedroom floor.
7. Do you know how to use that whip?
8. I think in a previous life I was your bath water.
9. Pinch me. I’m dreaming. …. OK, OK, take it off now.
10. “I left Tartarus, but never thought I’d find paradise!”
11. Why dont you come over here, sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.
12. Miss, if you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the package it came in?
THE HEXADACTYLOUS ARE AMONG US
Xena: “Wait, I don’t know if you’re real or not.”
Gabrielle: “You don’t know if I’m real? This is my dream, I’m the only one who is real.”
Xena: “Tell me something about you I don’t know.”
Gabrielle: “How is that going to prove anything?”
Xena: “Morpheus can guess anything I know. Tell me something about you I don’t know.”
Gabrielle: “Very well … alright … nobody but my mother knows this, I had six toes on my right foot when I was born. Don’t look! It’s gone now.”
Xena: “It must be you. Yeah, it must be you.”
Do you realize, though, that had Gabrielle been born in Medieval times with a sixth toe that she would have been considered a witch and possibly burned alive for it? The things people used to do to each other in the name of religion (and, in some countries still do…).
Perhaps that statement applies to Gabrielle’s time and her parents had it removed for that reason.
Today people with six toes, the Hexadactylous (Hex`a*dac”tyl*ous, a. [Gr. ; six + finger: cf. F. hexadactyle.] (Zool.) Having six fingers or toes.) are increasingly tolerated by society. While there are still some increasingly discredited ex-six toes organizations like Hexodus International, recently great strides have been made. Since the ground-breaking 1995 episode “Dreamworker” where Gabrielle revealed her sixth toe, the hexadactylous have been elected to Congress, and some have even been ordained as Southern Baptist pastors.
Gab won’t shave
That scratchy fuzz
She should worry
Lao Ma does
Treated Gab right
If Gab would shave
Then Xena might
She played the flute
Had no B.O.
But her legs scratched
Xena let her go
Does your lady
Grunt and grumble
Rant and rave?
Tame that bull with
Unless your legs
Are stinger free
You’d better let
Your Honey be
Gabby your skin
Keep it fitter
Or you won’t be
With Gab’s sleek legs
Pressed close to hers
How Xena purrs
Amazons buy it
Then apply it
Their friends to try it
In Cupid’s little
Bag of trix
Here’s the one
That clix with chix
My first Xena episode was “Dreamworker”, which was actually the third episode of the new series. It aired in the week of Sept 18, 1995. I caught it through random channel-flipping (sort of the same way I found the L Word!). I had no idea a series about Xena existed, although I was familiar with the character from two episodes of Hercules that I had seen earlier in the year, one when she was evil and another when she was good. I missed the middle Herc ep of the Xena trilogy, “The Gauntlet”, where she made the conversion.
It turns out that having “Dreamworker” as my first episode was a fortuitous accident, because the earlier two shows “Sins of the Past” and “Chariots of War” (viewed for the first time somewhat later in reruns) seemed to be a little wobbly in retrospect. In “Dreamworker” we watch Xena come to terms with the dark side of herself, and form an integrated whole with the light side holding the reins, which gives her the strength-tempered-by-wisdom to triumph. Instantly I was hooked on the character of Xena…I cared about her, and I wanted to see what happened to her next.
Gabrielle happened to her next. Naturally the lesbian angle, handed with a lot of winking and nudging, didn’t hurt the show one dang bit. The whole bar scene in the 90’s was a lot of after-softball brewskies and Xena tapes rolling on the projection TV.
Like many television series, the first two seasons were a little shaky as everyone found their footing. Seasons three, four, and five were awesome. It should have ended there, because the show “jumped the shark” when Xena and Gabrielle came back from the dead after being crucified. That was almost as bad as Pam Ewing dreaming a whole season of Dallas. I hate it when they kill a character off and then just bring them back from the dead. People don’t come back from the dead. Death is defined as the irreversible cessation of life.
Xena was turned into an assassin of the Olympian gods on behalf of Eli, which is the name the writers used for Jesus so they wouldn’t offend anyone in Jesusland who were tuned in to see the lesbian stuff.
Okay! By the middle of the sixth season I just didn’t care anymore.
TOP TWENTY XENA MOVIES
TOP NINE SIGNS XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS TAKES PLACE IN THE SOUTH
2. After a major character dies and Xena sings her Burial Dirge one of the Amazons yells, “Hey Xena, do Freebird!”
3. When Xena is crucified she has Achy-Breaky Legs.
4. Xena says, “You Yankees know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna kill y’all!”
5. Instead of “Your Lordship Ares,” Xena calls him “Cuz.”
6. Gabrielle wears Bilious Green Daisy Dukes.
7. Sequel episode to “Chariots of War” titled “Dead Chariots in the Front Yard”
8. A warlord tries to draw and quarter Xena with four tractors.
9. Argo’s side is painted with the Confederate Battle Flag.
MILESTONES IN XENA AND GABRIELLE’S CHILDHOOD
Milestones in Xena and Gabrielle’s Childhood
GAB: First time crossing the street without holding mom’s hand
XENA: First time extending the buffer zone around Amphipolis without holding mom’s hand
GAB: First mastery of jump rope
XENA: First mastery of horse whip
GAB: First time playing “Doctor”
XENA: First time making a hole in a boy’s neck with a hollow reed playing “Doctor”
GAB: First training bra
XENA: First training breastplate
GAB: First ear piercing
XENA: First ear piercing (it was a bully’s ear, with Xena’s dagger)
TOP FIFTEEN XENA BEATLES SONGS
- I Want To Slice Off Your Hand
- I Am The Warrior (goo-goo-goo-joob)
- Everybody’s Got Something To Hide Except For Me And My Sidekick
- Caesar, You’re A Dead Man
- Lucy (Lawless) In the Sky with Demons.
- A Bard Day’s Night
- Joxwell’s Silverware Armor
- Strawberry Blonde Elysian Fields Forever
- Gabby It’s You
- Twist, Kick, And Shout
- Gabby You Can Drive My Chariot
- Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Flying Parchment Thing
- While My Lyre Gently Weeps
- Parchment Scroll Writer
- Joxer On The Hill
TOP TEN REASONS XENA DIDN’T WORK OUT AS BATMAN’S SIDEKICK
2. She insisted on cluttering up the Bat Cave with supplies for her army.
3. She thought the Batmobile stick shift was her own personal saddlehorn.
4. Batman was injured when Xena told him her breast dagger was a Bat Crotch Dagger.
5. Batman got jealous when she seduced Catwoman.
6. She fed Batman some of Joxer’s famous Radish Bat Stew
7. She killed the Joker, the Penguin, and the Riddler, threatening to work Batman out of a job.
8. She got addicted to going down the Bat Pole.
9. Too many snickers at her cover story of being “Melinda Pappas,” Bruce Wayne’s mild-mannered live-in masseuse.
10. She refused to call her chakram the “Bat Chakram.”
Top Ten Things You Hear Upon Awakening After Attacking Xena
2. Xena wraps the blood pressure cuff around your neck and says, “Did you sleep well Mr., or should I say, Miss Ruffian?”
3. Gabrielle says, “Waitaminute Xena, if that is his spleen what’s this?” and Xena replies, “I don’t know what it is but pack it in ice anyway.”
4. Xena says, “Look at it this way, now your highest note is ‘Ti.'”
5. Xena says, “Whatdja say? Who’s on the other bedroll you ask? Actually that’s also you.”
6. Xena says, “Hey Gabby, unzip the body parchment on that one, he’s still moving.”
7. Xena says, “I’m sorry, I had to give you a local anaesthetic, can’t get the imported stuff.”
8. Gabrielle says, “Did you know he would look like that afterward Xena?”
9. You’ve always wanted to give your heart to Xena, but you didn’t mean it literally.
10. You realize that Xena is using you as a live version of a Milton Bradley game (“Remove Wrenched Ankle!”).
- You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bag of henbane.
- Sample the henbane to check for quality.
- Take a large bowl. Check the henbane again. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
- Make sure the henbane is still okay.
- Cry another tup. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry them loose with a drewscriver.
- Sample the henbane to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
- Check the henbane. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
- Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to throw the bowl out of the window. Check the henbane again and go to bed.
TOP TEN SIGNS XENA IS TOO OLD
2. Gabrielle must convince Xena to control her anger and not exact vengeance on the neighborhood kids for walking on her lawn.
3. Xena says, “When I was younger we didn’t have these newfangled compact dinar coin thingamajigs. We couldn’t keep our money in our pockets, we kept it in a pen in the backyard. And our money oinked!”
4. Xena says, “What the Tartarus is that you’re playing on the lyre? You call that music? That ain’t music. It’s noise!”
5. Xena says, “When I was a little girl the nearest school was five leagues away. We walked there barefoot in the snow uphill both ways. And when we heard the monster lecture, we literally heard the monster lecture!”
6. Xena says, “Back in my day there wasn’t any of these newfangled public baths. Our hot tubs could only seat two. Hee hee!”
7. When ruffians attack, Xena blocks their sword thrusts with her walker.
8. Xena says, “Eve, when I was your age we didn’t have our water just delivered to us with modern aqueducts. When we got thirsty we had to go out and dig our own wells. Sometimes all we got was moist sand, so we’d shovel it in our mouths and suck on it. And no one ever complained!”
9. Argo goes 5 MPH below the speed limit and her left tail signal is always waving.
10. Xena says, “Twenty-five years ago no one could afford to buy a bronze sword. We’d just fight by banging sticks together and yelling, ‘Clang! Clang!’”
YODA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
Gabby: Because I walk. You ride the horse.
Xena: Nice, you must be.
Gabby: I’m sorry.
Xena: No, improve or improve not, there is no sorry.
Gabby: I just wanted to become a great warrior princess like you!
Xena: A great warrior princess? Oh! Heh heh! Oh! Heh heh. Wars not make one great!
Gabby: But that’s why I left my boring life in Potidaea. I wanted adventure!
Xena: Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A bard craves not these things!
Gabby: But even Joxer wants to become a warrior.
Xena: A long time have I watched Joxer. Always he has looked away, to the skies. Never his eyes on where he was walking? Hmm? What he was doing? Hmmm! Clumsy he is!
Gabby: Then you’re saying we should tell Joxer not to follow us anymore.
Xena: For many years have I trained bards in the ways of the Horse! Joxer we need not.
Gabby: I’d hate to be the one to tell Meg.
Xena: Is Meg stronger than me? No. Easier. Quicker. More seductive.
Gabby: How did she end up looking exactly like you anyhow?
Xena: Always in motion, history and mythology and the laws of genetics.
Here’s the story, of a Warrior Princess,
Who expanded her home town’s buffer zone.
She traversed all the land with Joxer
But somehow she felt so all alone.
‘Til this one day when the Princess met her Gabby
And they knew it was much more than a hunch,
That these three must somehow form a family,
That’s the way they became the Xena Bunch!
Xena: You can’t teach a new god old tricks.
Ruby: When Gabrielle came back from the dead did she look any different?
Xena: Absence makes the head grow blonder.
Ruby: Someone heard you say Gabrielle could burn water.
Xena: I didn’t mean it. Never judge a cook by her lover.
Ruby: What’s the most important thing for a woman to know when serving in an army?
Xena: “Mess with the men” means share dining facilities.
Ruby: What happened to that ten thousand dinars?
Xena: I have many bills.
Ruby: How many times have you died and come back?
Xena: I have many wills.
Ruby: Does Gabrielle ever run out of pens?
Xena: She has many quills.
Ruby: Your teeth are astonishingly perfect.
Xena: I have many fills.
Ruby: Was the Tonight Show thing your first equestrian accident?
Xena: I have many spills.
Ruby: What comes with the job as Warrior Princess?
Xena: I have many frills.
Ruby: I understand you really like pickles.
Xena: I have many dills.
Ruby: Why does Gabrielle talk so much?
Xena: She takes many pills.
Ruby: Of course, many of your fans are women.
Xena: I have many Jills.
Ruby: I notice there are a lot of windows in your house.
Xena: I have many sills.
Ruby: I see you have a large collection of pepper grinders.
Xena: Yes, would you like to see them?
TOP TEN NAGS FROM XENA’S MOTHER
- I don’t care WHAT Gabrielle does. If she jumped into hot lava would you do it too?
- You want to catch pneumonia? Put some leg warmers on!
- Stop picking at your battle wounds and let them heal!
- Stop making that icy warrioress stare, your face will freeze that way!
- Don’t drink straight from the milk cow!
- I hope you have kids who are bloodthirsty world conquerors just like yourself!
- I swear that Far Talking Thing is glued to your ear.
- Are you actually wearing a skirt? It looks more like a belt!!
- Don’t run with that sword – You’ll put your eye out!
- Take that chakram out of your brother’s chest right now!
XENA AS A SITUATION COMEDY
Gabby: I just invented a bar of soap six feet long.
Joxer: How do you lift it to lather yourself?
Gabrielle: I don’t. It’s an exact likeness of Xena. I just lay on it and slide up and down.
Xena: There are lots of thing more important than money.
Salmoneus: I’ll buy that.
Joxer: How did Gabby feel last night?
Xena: As much as ever!
Joxer: I got a real kick out of kissing Gabby last night.
Amarice: Any more than usual?
Joxer: Yeah, Xena caught me!
Joxer: What, in your opinion, is the height of stupidity?
Xena: How tall are you?
Gabrielle: Joxer is twice as dumb as I.
Xena: You mean, ‘Joxer is twice as dumb as me’
Gabrielle: He’s twice as dumb as both of us.
Joxer: Gabby is breathtaking!
Xena: Yeah, every few hours she stops talking and takes a breath.
Gabrielle: How do you like bathing beauties?
Joxer: I don’t know, I never bathed one.
Gabrielle: ::GASP!:: Where’s your swimsuit?
Xena: I don’t need one Gabby, it’s not that kind of dive!
Gabrielle: Do you prefer talkative women or the other kind?
Joxer: What other kind?
Xena: You’ve got acute appendicitis.
Gabrielle: Don’t get fresh. I asked what was wrong with me.
Gabrielle: Knock knock
Xena: For crying out loud, Gabrielle, we’re sleeping outdoors.
Gabrielle: I think your problem is that you’re afraid of girls.
Joxer: I’m not afraid of girls, I can lick any girl I ever met.
Gabrielle: You should get a girl who likes to do the things you do.
Joxer: What would I want with a girl who likes to whistle at other girls?
Gabrielle: Every time I take Joxer’s pulse it gets faster! What do I do?
Xena: Blindfold him.
Joxer: Can you give me something for my head?
Xena: I wouldn’t take it as a gift.
Meg: Joxer asked me to marry him and I said, ‘Yes!’
Gabrielle: Then I’d say you hit the jerkpot.
Gabrielle: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Xena: Enough with the Joxer jokes already.